To say that I was in love with you is taking things too far.  So, no, I wasn't in love with you.

But I could have been.

I had almost succeeded in erasing you, unfriended and unfollowed...  But today I slipped on the tee I wore on the last day - not the last day I almost loved you - but the last one I had permission to.  And in the days and days and daze that followed, my greatest tragedy was intangibility, not even having the satisfaction of calling you my ex.  Because that would have justified my pain and excused me from the fake smiles I gave you.
















[probably to be continued...]

New Life

I remember first watching this episode... I was all ready for another cutesy episode, maybe an update on Bing or Darcy........what I was not expecting was for a cute little vlog series to ask "tough questions" about my life choices.  At the time I was 22, living at home, working a safe job.  And sweet as can be, Jane waltzes in asking "What's keeping you here?"  I think I gasped.  I remember feeling like I had walked into a wall.  For the next year, I was asking that question of so many areas of my life.
Living at home (which is not at all bad but sometimes, as Jane points out, a defense mechanism)?  I moved out and into a flat with a my best friend.  I spent time and money on crafting a space.  I learned a little bit of how to live with someone - it's an art!  There were Doctor Who marathons and parties and so many late night conversations ending in simultaneous laughter and tears.
Stuck in relationships running on separate tracks?  I made new friends and realized that being single did not mean I couldn't have fun.  There were road trips and "Galentines" and endless movie nights.  And my friends were amazing on days that weren't.  When I was visiting a friend and received some bad news, she ran the whole gamut in caring for me - tissues, talking, going out on the town, cozying up in sweats to watch Once Upon a Time.  On a particularly bad night I walked into my flatmate's room, showed her my phone screen and her response was, "I'll go get the wine and dark chocolate."  My sister took me out one day and just sat with me in a silence that acknowledged things were not "okay" - and that it was "okay" to feel that way.
And then the big one... What about going back to school?  From the time I was rejected from Oxford, it took me a year and a half to answer that question.  I wrestled with it.  I so badly wanted back into that world, but was so afraid at the same time.  Afraid of spending more emotional energy only to hear "no."  Afraid of moving away.  Afraid of how much work it would take.  But one day, I was sitting across from my boss and I just knew the answer.  I had to go back to school.  And it was grueling.  This time a year ago... whew.  Let's just say, I am still shocked I am in grad school.  Shocked, but so grateful.

The people I look up to have moved boldly to disentangle themselves from anything keeping them safely nestled in the status quo.  They embrace change without fear and keep working through the mundane and the high-pressure without losing sight of their goal.  I want to live like that.  I want to be with people who live like that, and for me that question begins with "What's keeping you here?"  Now, I feel like I am in the place and doing the work that is not "keeping" me back, but propelling me forward...and it's one wild ride!