Holy Saturday

I hope you are having a mindful and grace-filled Holy Week...

I wanted to share just a few things I've been meditating on--especially during the dark in-between-ness of Christ Crucified and Christ Resurrected.

I love what Micah J. Murray has written here on Good Friday.  In this prose-poem, "God is Dead," he explores the decimating reality of when God was dead.  The women and the Beloved Disciple at the cross must have held hope till the very last that He who could heal and He who could command the seas could and would rescue himself.  But no.  "It is finished" was the crushing blow to such hopes.  Murray writes:

Of course the earth shook when the breath that had formed mankind slipped from the lungs of the very One who first spoke it all into existence. I wonder that mountains and oceans and planets and stars didn’t all plummet together into an infinite void of darkness, when the hands that had molded them fell limp and lifeless, pierced and broken. 

“God is dead...”

And on this day, we don't get to rush ahead to the happy ending.  On this day we identify with the finality of hope lost.  And in this moment, I understand the words that my soul so often pushes against when TS Eliot said:

I said to my soul, be still, and wait without hope
For hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love
For love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith
But the faith and the love and the hope are all in the waiting.
Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought:
So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.

- East Coker  

In so doing, we empathize with those who have lost hope in their own lives.  At the beginning of Lent, I read this beautiful reflection by Josh Ross who pointed out that, this year, Holy Saturday falls on the same day as the anniversary of the death of Martin Luther King, Jr.  As he so wonderfully puts it:

I think—as for now—April 4th belongs on the Saturday after Good Friday and before Easter Sunday. It is the day that adequately describes where we are in race relations today throughout our world...
Saturday is where we often live. It is the day of questioning, doubt, anxiety, and confusion. There is an awkwardness about Saturday; an uncertainty of how exactly this story is going to pan out.
Race in America is not where it was. Yet, it also isn’t where it needs to be. We can’t go back to the days of utter darkness, despair, oppression, and striping certain groups of dignity, yet we also can’t pretend as if we have arrived at somewhere we have not.

Holy Saturday reminds us that far too many areas of our world have yet to experience Resurrection.

And yet, today I have been reading Lady Julian of Norwich and exploring the notion of felix culpa--literally "happy fall." St. Augustine said of this notion: "Melius enim iudicavit de malis benefacere quam mala nulla esse permittere."  Or, in English, "For God judged it better to bring good out of evil than not to permit any evil to exist."

Holy Saturday means Christ is in the tomb and hope seems vain, "but all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well..."

Guys! Guys!  Today I got to present my paper on The Lizzie Bennet Diaries and it went reeeally well!  My professor said the paper it was based on was "compelling" and I got to have discussion about the form of new media adaptations--"So...the characters can tweet at you?"--and it was amazing!  Also, I had been planning to expand this project into my MA Thesis (a 60 page, 3-chapter document due April 2016) and today my professor told me, "Yah, I think you really should."  I just had to note this small victory.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Dear Samara from one year ago,

Keep. going!  Your crazy idea is just crazy enough to be "compelling"!  I know it seems--especially in the coming weeks--that grad school is unattainable and that you'll never be allowed back in that world.  I know that you're going to go to bed exhausted, bleary-eyed and emotional far too many times.  I know that the future seems very dark--that you'll be waiting eternally and that what you've hoped for will never happen.  But have faith and take courage, because your hard work will open doors and your faith will be answered.

I know that even now you are considering giving up on OSU--it's the most expensive choice and has the earliest application date.  But thank you for not giving up on it, because God knew this interdisciplinary school was exactly where you needed to be.  I know that you are going to hear voices--both in your head and from other people--that this idea isn't "academic enough" and that you just don't have it together.  But by immense grace and running hard after a dream, somehow it does come together.  So don't give up.

As for me, I have to get back to this other crazy paper on Heart of Darkness, Impressionism, and the Lost World (I'm on page 13 of 20 - woohoo!).  But keep your chin up, "When the sun shines, it'll shine out the clearer." :)

Cheers,
Samara Surface
Graduate Teaching Associate
MA Candidate - Literature and Culture
School of Writing, Literature, and Film
Oregon State University

November 1st

You are one of my heroes
This day and every day
but especially today.

Today, may you feel even a measure
of the sun's warmth on your face.
May you taste the beautiful things of life--
tea, laughter, wine, color, chocolate,
dresses with pockets, stories,
and a host of other wonders.

May you catch a glimpse of Meaning
walking through the garden of your life,
softly touching the flowers, yes, but also
the soil, the roots with Her bare feet.

Today,
you are loved.
And yesterday,
you are loved.
And tomorrow,
and tomorrow's tomorrow,
you are infinitely loved.

Mystery brought you forth, and She
sends Meaning to see you through.
And in all, They revel
in the intrinsic goodness that is you.
And in every tomorrow
you are loved.

Nearly out of the dark...

[via]

 

[via]

[via]

[via]

2014.

[via]

HOLD ONTO HOPE.

Advent is a time of waiting in the darkness, of preparing quietly and prayerfully in the tension of what is hoped for and what may be. Oftentimes, we don't even know what we are really hoping and waiting for, and even if we do, we are unsure as to whether it will come to be. For most of 2013, we lived in a consistent season of Advent, all of which was preparing for an even brighter celebration at the very end of the year.

- Via Relevant's "13 Lessons I Learned in 2013"

We have come through the darkest.  We nurtured our internal light throughout Advent.  Epiphany is upon us and it can only get lighter from here.

Cheers to 2014!

On despair

Lately I've been thinking on despair. Delightful, I know. But it keeps coming up.

Call it seasonal vitamin-D deficiency. Blame it on other circumstances in my life. Settle it as the result of too much melancholy viewing or reading. But, whatever the case, despair has been knocking on my door. 

I'm becoming convinced that despair is the greatest evil. Not the greatest sin - but the end-result & effect of sin. 

Despair is so much more than sadness. I've been thinking on the pinpoint moments in some of my favorite stories when despair enters the picture. 

It's when Peeta doesn't love Katniss. 
It's when Ron leaves Harry. 
Or John fails to find Sherlock's pulse. 
Rose gets separated from the Doctor. 
Frodo Baggins forgets the taste of strawberries. 

Failure. Rejection. Goodbyes. These are always the stories' worst moments. 

But the road to resurrection runs through the grave. 

The greatest stories - both in life & in fiction - force the protagonist to walk a mile or more with despair. I've run up against it a few times. We all have in different ways. 

But there are two conclusions I've come to regarding Despair. 

The first is my prayer in the midst of my despair or any loved one's is that I'd be faithful. A faithful friend. A faithful person. "Frodo wouldn't have got very far without Sam." In fact, according to Tolkien, Sam was the hero of Lord of the Rings… and I can see why. The greatest courage isn't in brandishing glittering swords, but in traversing pain our souls were never designed for. "For the only courage worth calling courage must necessarily mean that the soul passes a breaking point--and does not break."  - GK Chesterton.

The other conclusion is one I came to after talking with my dentist, truly great fellow. The thing is, if despair is the greatest evil, joy must be the greatest good. And I'm not speaking of anything akin to humanist happiness. Many classic philosophers got close to this truth, that joy was the aim, but they all lacked something. Until Christ, "for the joy set before Him, endured the cross," they had no response to despair, and no true reason for joy. But we have. 

My friend, Esther, shared with me today, "Hope is the ability to look the past & present squarely in the face and say, 'I know that my future will make beautiful and light these harsh and dark moments.'" That's what I'm holding onto. 

I look to the stories again and again, not for happy endings, but for hopeful ones. They serve to remind that the truest stories don't end in despair. "When the sun shines, it'll shine out the clearer." Until then, "never cruel or cowardly; never give up, never give in." No, now is the time to take another step through the valley, trusting the mountain is still there. All we can do in the meantime is to hold onto the promises, to wait and to hope. 

31 Days of Books: Hunchback of Notre Dame

Title:  Hunchback of Notre-Dame, or Notre-Dame de Paris

Author:  Victor Hugo

Published:  1831

Year I read it:  2005

One sentence summary:  Hugo's classic tale of love vs. list, inward vs. outward beauty, appearance vs. fact - the Hunchback of Notre-Dame tells the Gothic Romance of the detested hunchback Quasimodo, the mysterious Gypsy Esmerelda, the dark priest Claude Frolo, and of how all their lives interconnect.  

Interesting fact:

Three reasons to read it:

• You can't beat Hugo's language - it's cadence, it's poignancy.  His words just soar. 
  Through the eyes of several different characters in search of it, Hugo's fleshes out what love is and what it looks like.
• If you're not up for Les Miserables, try a 500-page Hugo.  No, it's not the same.  It's not as epic.  But it is still amazing!
• Gorgeous ending!!  Another fantastic - tragic, but fantastic - ending.

One reason you maybe shouldn't: 

• "A Bird's Eye View of Paris."  It's a chapter in the middle of the book with no characters and no dialogue - just a meticulous tour of 15th century Paris.  I hate to admit this, but this is the first and only chapter from a classic that I've completely skipped.  [désolé, Monsieur Hugo!]

Great quotes:

“Nothing makes a man so adventurous as an empty pocket."

“Love is like a tree: it grows by itself, roots itself deeply in our being and continues to flourish over a heart in ruin. The inexplicable fact is that the blinder it is, the more tenacious it is. It is never stronger than when it is completely unreasonable.” 


“Spira, spera."  ["Breathe, hope."]

Containing this great treasure...

A few songs for Thursday :)

Gungor released their new album this week (yippee!)
I have to admit, I'm still warming up to it.  I got a handful of songs, and they're good.
I just still regard Ghosts Upon the Earth as one of the most incredible albums...
So it's kind of hard for me to move on with the band.

That being said... there are some great songs including the title track:

"I am Mountain" (the single) picks up on the themes of "Beautiful Things."  

The premise is the unity of creation.

God used the same building blocks for mountains, stars, and people.

Homo sapiens are unique due to God's life-breathed power,

but we are made of common, mortal elements just the same.

This song (and music video) are a refreshing reminder

that we are both common and glorious:

I am mountain, I am dust
Constellations made of us
There's glory in the dirt
A universe within the sand
Eternity within a man

We are ocean, we are mist
Brilliant fools who wound and kiss
There's beauty in the dirt
Wandering in skin and soul
Searching, longing for a home...

Momentary carbon stories
From the ashes
Filled with holy ghost
Life is here now
Breathe it all in
Let it all go
You are earth and wind

Along a similar theme, another favorite artist, Sleeping at Last released another EP last week.

Just to (re?)explain, "Sleeping at Last" is now a one-man band comprised of: Ryan O'Neil.

He writes all the the songs and plays and sings 90%+ of everything he produces.

(You may have just heard his instrumental "Households"

on Kid President's breakout video.)

This year, he's taken upon a year-long music project entitled "Atlas."

It's basically a 4-part musical exploration of creation.

He has/will release an EP every quarter.

He started with Darkness, moved on to Light, and just released Space 1, to be followed by Space 2.

It may sound like a very rigid way to produce music,

but his self-enforced discipline has provided a springboard to some incredible music.

Space 1 examines "Sun," "Mercury," "Venus," "Earth," "Moon" (a stunning instrumental!) and "Mars."

[The EP can currently be streamed here.]

The follow up will cover the rest of the planets.

Be of good cheer. I think Pluto will even be included :)

[You can read more about his project here and here]

 

As a side note, this album carries a lot of the same threads as "I am Mountain."

"Sun" emphasizes:

We are the dust of dust.
We are the apple of God’s eye.
We are infinite as the universe we hold inside.

I think there is a yearning in God's people to move a place of awareness and humility.

A posture that says, "Yes, we are special,

but only because of a gift from Father."

Because then, there are no outsiders.

There are no special clubs.

[Ok, ending a rant before I get started]

Needless to say... it's an interesting and inspiring view of our relationship to the World.

The song is currently gripping me is "Mercury."

Mercury is the type of song that makes you want to hold your breath and turn it up.

It's like you don't want to miss a single word or note.

The song is musically and lyrically gorgeous by itself, 

but even more so for O'Neal's musical decisions.

As he explains, "For a planet 70% metallic, it felt fitting to only use metallic instruments on this song (except for my voice, of course, which is made of human)."

Here is the song and the lyrics interspersed with some [commentary]:

rows of houses,
sound asleep.
only street lights
notice me.

i am desperate,
if nothing else,
in a holding pattern
to find myself.*

[*a theme running throughout the song

a need for clarity of vision -

something I am definitely seeking]

i talk in circles,
i talk in circles,
i watch for signals,
for a clue.*

how to feel different.
how to feel new.
like science fiction
bending truth.

no one can unring this bell, [Magicians Nephew?]
unsound this alarm, unbreak my heart new.
God knows, i am dissonance
waiting to be swiftly pulled into tune.*

i’ll go anywhere you want,
anywhere you want,
anywhere you want me.

[Ever been so desperate you say,

"God, just tell me where and I'll go!"]

i know the further i go,
the harder i try, only keeps my eyes closed.
and somehow i’ve fallen in love
with this middle ground at the cost of my soul.

 

yet i know, if i stepped aside,
released the controls, you would open my eyes.
that somehow, all of this mess
is just an attempt to know the worth of my life…*

…made of precious metals,
precious metals,
precious metals inside.

i’ll go anywhere you want me.

["We now have this light shining in our hearts,

but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars

containing this great treasure.

This makes it clear that our great power

is from God, not from ourselves." - II Cor. 4:7]

"That's it.  If I take one more step, it'll be the farthest from home I've ever been."

I'm discovering, this is what it means to be a writer.

While many focus on the introspection required to write and write well, I'm discovering that to write is to leave home, leave the familiar of one's own thoughts.  Each thoughtfully-crafted piece of writing - be it prose, poetry, essay, fiction, non-fiction, etc. - each piece takes me further into the wild.  After finishing one, I find myself contemplating where I am, what these surroundings are.

To identify as "a writer" is to accept a nomadic imagination.  One that is never "home," only settling here or alighting there before taking off to explore the next place.  It often means leaving people behind (or at least, characters who have become dear friends).  I think it's why so many writers feel restless, the "hopeless wanderer" syndrome. 

I think this is one of the reasons I feared becoming a writer for so long.

Being that we're at the half-way point of the year, I've been reviewing some of my journals and blog posts.  And it struck me that I had no goal to "write more" this year or anything of the sort.  It's just been a season where I can't. stop. writing.  I've given up, waved the white flag, and surrendered.  Yes, you were all right when you claimed me or labeled me as a writer.  I was afraid, so I hid.  But looking back at a full journal, blog posts, and draft posts I need more emotional distance from before publishing (or more courage... take your pick) - I see there's no more hiding it. 

But what I've written thus far, the things I'm about to attempt, they've taken me on a journey far from what was comfortable.  And if I take one more step, it'll be the farthest from home I've ever been.  I'll have crossed into the unknown, unsettled territory of my consciousness.

Until the day when, like so many of our favorite characters, there is the final homecoming.  "A far green country under a swift sunrise."  The writer's journey proves its worth in it's memories and in the field of our imagination... but only when we cross the threshold to that home we never knew but were always searching for does the creator find their pearl of great price.

This is the hope I hold onto.

Signed,
A writer

If you haven't already... go read these things from today on Uncommon Collective and Hope is an Anchor.

And do not fret in this summer of becoming... Embrace it's inconceivable, wild spirit and let it shape you.

When September ends, we are all likely to be very different people.  And that is a hopeful thought.

Questions

Ours is NOT a blind faith. 

"The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith is the firm foundation under everything which makes life worth living.  It's our handle on what we can't see."

Or according to the Amplified, faith is "the assurance (the confirmation, the title deed) of the things we hope for, being the proof of things we do not see, and the conviction of their reality."

So faith is not the absence of intellectual engagement.  Rather it is a stake in the invisible.  The soul's confirmation of an unfulfilled promise.

Christ didn't require that people shut off their minds, only that they quiet them and be open-minded enough to think in new ways.  To consider "re-birth."  To try "casting their nets" on the opposite side of the boat. 

In literature, there is a profound phenomena called "the suspension of disbelief."  A homo sapien, a being defined by rationality & creativity, can choose to abandon what they know of reality to enter and enjoy a story with fantastical components.  In this way, children fly to Neverland on fairy dust and a happy thought.  In this way, superheroes fight off aliens, toys come to life, and halflings save a distant world.  We are able to enjoy and even engage rationally with these narratives when we hush the voice that says, "That could never happen."

Faith acts in the same way.  But rather than reading, listening, or watching a story unfold, rather than merely "identifying" with a character, Christ invites us, dares us to enter the narrative for ourselves.  To suspend our disbelief and walk with a conviction of the reality that we hope for.  Like the best novelists, He has crafted a narrative we can trust - but not one devoid of questions.  There may come a day when we think "I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened." There are, like in so many of our favorite stories, times when we wonder or question or even doubt.

And yet this is faith to.

We choose to believe "It isn't what it is" - that there is a deeper magic.  But we also choose to engage with the narrative and the Narrator deeply enough to ask the haunting questions.  For in seeking the answer, in wrestling with the Angel, in crying out with anguish, like David before us - in these moments faith is made real.  We draw nearer to Father.  We discover our real name.  We exchange the "title deed" for the Promised Land. 

aching for this place.

"I'm holding on to the chandeliers of hope..."

- Coldplay, Christmas Lights

"To love means loving the unlovable.
To forgive means pardoning the unpardonable.
Faith means believing the unbelievable.
Hope means hoping when everything seems hopeless."

- G. K. Chesterton

Ok... so you may have heard of somone in a Starbuck's drive-thru covering the tab of the customer behind them. But have you ever heard of soomeone paying for another person's car battery??
I'm a cashier at a Honda dealership and today, my coworker and I were just cashing out customers when she had a customer come up to pay for her oil change. But before paying, she said, "I'm sorry, but I overheard a service advisor telling that customer over there that she needs a new battery, but apparently she's facing some financial trouble. Is there any way I could pay for her battery without her knowing?" She covered the entirety of the other woman's $93.06 bill. After our shock and gratefulness, she said, "I've just been having a really bad day and thought I could brighten it by helping someone else..." After paying, she quietly left.
Later, the service advisor for the other customer came up and informed her that her battery had been paid for. She started crying--crying in public! It was so precious!

It was just a beautiful moment. The world is still so beautiful.
Not only that, but I was so convicted. How often do I go out of my way to help other people? Am I willing to really sacrifice for people I don't even know? I'm hoping that I can spread a fraction of the joy that woman brought today.

be filled with hope... :)

Renee Yohe

I got to go hear this lovely woman share tonight.

She is seriously one of the most beautifully real people I've ever heard or met.

[If any of you have not heard of To Write Love on Her Arms, you should read Renee's story]

She shared so openly tonight, and not just about the TWLOHA story. She spoke about how there is hope, not in the notion of perfection, but in rising every time we fall. She said:

"People didn't connect to my story because I was perfect. It was because I was transparent."

And this girl means it. I bought her book tonight, Purpose in the Pain, and opened it expecting to get a glimpse of her story... The entire book is a facsimile of her journals over the last few years. I was amazed at this woman's vulnerability. Who publishes their journal? She was so honest tonight and it convicted me. How authentic am I? Where do I need to be more transparent with my heart?

I am so excited because she is releasing an EP, under her band name "Renee and the Translators." Plus, next year, "Renee" the movie comes out. So excited to see where Renee's story goes next :)

I've been reading blogs for the last hour or so when I meant to do my homework... so I decided to just give it up and give you all an update. It may seem random at times, but I just have a lot on my heart.

The Lord has been doing so much in me and through me. I probably had more overflow opportunities in January than I ever expected. I saw classmates and tumblr friends come to church for the first time, coworkers come to homegroup, met countless new people, and had so many breakfast/coffee/lunch dates with people. I love it!

I've definitely been busy. The second week of school I was looking at my sched and realized that I am probably busier now than I ever have been before--and that is so good! That means I'm growing. And that means that the Lord trusts me.

But I also have school which has been so intense this quarter. School has wanted to consume my attention in its entirety. The grad seminar that I'm taking is such a blessing, but it is such a challenge. I am one of 9 students and I'm the only undergrad. Everyone else is teaching and working on their master's thesis. Most of the time during class discussions, I am sitting on my computer, googling what the other people are talking about because I have no idea what they're saying. There are times when I've given up understanding and just observed--which, if you know me, is totally abnormal for me. After the first couple weeks, I told my mom, "Well I think this is the first time I've had to worry about my participation grade in a class." haha

There have been so many times that the Lord has had to remind me that I am not inferior. My identity is in Him, not in pharaoh's system, and I have grace to walk in confidence.

This morning, I had an extended Jesus time (so good!). My heart just felt so heavy from the last few weeks. It's been go-go-go, non-stop with school and homework and work and youth group and home group and meetings and power point and dates with people and errands to run and people to pick up.......

I have been so weary. Last night we had an incredible home group, but I came home with a terrible migraine and I had had no dinner. Plus, this week my foot has acted up. There is a nerve or muscle that is not happy with me. It hurts when I walk and it swells up at night :-/

So I was spending time with Jesus and I just started crying. But, because He's just so amazing, He told me to go back and rehearse His faithfulness. Specifically, He told me to reread some journals from this time last year, which was another night season requiring a lot of trust in Papa. I wanted to share a little bit with you...

"I've never quit loving you and never will. Expect love, love, and more love." - Jeremiah 31:3

"Your greatest glory is my highest joy." - Katrina Hope

I had an incredible revelation about the Lord's beauty.

The Lord took me through a time of testing.

"I still believe there's nothing more beautiful than the love you have for me..." - United Pursuit

"Close your eyes this time

Trust is all we have tonight

But trust will be forever

Safe your dreams will be

Trust will be your light tonight

So close your eyes this time..."

- Future of Forestry

"Samara, there is good in every situation. God is sending good your way. You need to find the good..." - Mom

"From the first shock of cold air in the delivery room to the last gasp of air on our death beds, we crave love. We instinctively yearn for it, gravitate toward it and feel like starving people if we're deprived of it." - Alan Wright, Shame Off You

...those are just a few quotes and lyrics I ran across. They refresh me.

Well, I'm off to my sister's to hang out with her and the little man. We're going to paint our fingernails =)

Tonight is Charlli-Samara time and we're watching Pride and Prejudice... can't wait.

Love you all, have a blessed and restful weekend.

"All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost;

The old that is strong does not whither,

Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,

A light from the shadows shall spring;

Renewed shall be blade that was broken,

The crownless again shall be King."

- J. R. R. Tolkein

This has been on my heart lately. A line or two has been whispered to me while I'm walking from class to class or to a bus stop.

"Not all those who wander are lost..."

There is hope. There is hope even when there seems to be no hope.

Post-modernism says there is no hope. Toni Morrison (an author I've had to read) says there's no hope.

But there is hope...

"From the ashes a fire shall be woken,

A light from the shadows shall spring..."

Maybe it's just because it's late fall--and Tolkein was just meant for fall. I don't know.

But I do know that there is hope. I do know that the post-modernists got some of the questions right, but most of the answers wrong. I know that academia has de-throned Christ in every way. But I also know that "the crownless again shall be King."

The night may be dark, the light may be bleak. Post-modernists may be king of the hill, but God wins the day. They may say what they like and try and pervert all that is holy and good. They may drink deep draughts of bitterness and anger. They may even force me to listen to their complaints and their perversions for 205 pages... but there is still hope.

I think I'm saying this "aloud" to remind myself more than to inform anyone else. I also think this turned into something much more deep and melancholy than I intended, especially since I only intended to post those two stanzas and leave them be.

Alright, I'm going back to finish my response paper.

Wish me luck...

I hope you have a splendid evening. I plan to yet =)

my prayer for America...

"And now, here's what I'm going to do:
I'm going to start all over again.
I'm taking her back out into the wilderness
where we had our first date, and I'll court her.
I'll give her bouquets of roses.
I'll turn Heartbreak Valley into Acres of Hope...

And then I'll marry you for good—forever!
I'll marry you true and proper, in love and tenderness.
Yes, I'll marry you and neither leave you nor let you go.
You'll know me, God, for who I really am."

-Hosea 2:14-15, 19-20