- Rhett Butler, Gone with the Wind

[favorite quote]

Guess who bought a tutu skirt today?

Valentines just got more fun :)

ps... I want to take up paddle boarding.

I really, really want to.

I don't remember if I had mentioned this, but I have been exhausted and hungry lately. Not the kind of exhausted where your eyelids are heavy because you didn't get enough sleep last night--no, the type of exhausted where you are constantly weary and can't even stay awake to do your homework. And not just hungry... I've been a vegetarian for 12 years, but the last two weeks, I've been craving red meat... But whenever I eat anything, I get more tired. Along with that, my foot has been in pain (unexplainably) for the last week.

So tomorrow its off to the dr. I can't remember ever being excited for my blood to get drawn, but if it means finding out how my iron and vitamin D levels are doing--I'm down with it.

Pray if you will. School is hard--not insane, but not a breeze. I'm a little over half way done with this quarter, but I just need more of His grace.

On a happier [?] note... I was talking with my mom today and it dawned on me that I only have 4 more quarters as an undergrad... isn't that crazy? Time flies! I register for spring quarter in a few weeks. But after that, the next time I register will be as a senior. Wow!

I should probably go do my homework now, but I will let you know how things turn out....

Bonsoir!

"Love has taken me in, lifted my load

And in this empty space a wonder grows

A dream of some kind of peace

I could hold up as true

I never knew anything about love before you..."

- Sarah McLachlan, Love Come

I've been reading blogs for the last hour or so when I meant to do my homework... so I decided to just give it up and give you all an update. It may seem random at times, but I just have a lot on my heart.

The Lord has been doing so much in me and through me. I probably had more overflow opportunities in January than I ever expected. I saw classmates and tumblr friends come to church for the first time, coworkers come to homegroup, met countless new people, and had so many breakfast/coffee/lunch dates with people. I love it!

I've definitely been busy. The second week of school I was looking at my sched and realized that I am probably busier now than I ever have been before--and that is so good! That means I'm growing. And that means that the Lord trusts me.

But I also have school which has been so intense this quarter. School has wanted to consume my attention in its entirety. The grad seminar that I'm taking is such a blessing, but it is such a challenge. I am one of 9 students and I'm the only undergrad. Everyone else is teaching and working on their master's thesis. Most of the time during class discussions, I am sitting on my computer, googling what the other people are talking about because I have no idea what they're saying. There are times when I've given up understanding and just observed--which, if you know me, is totally abnormal for me. After the first couple weeks, I told my mom, "Well I think this is the first time I've had to worry about my participation grade in a class." haha

There have been so many times that the Lord has had to remind me that I am not inferior. My identity is in Him, not in pharaoh's system, and I have grace to walk in confidence.

This morning, I had an extended Jesus time (so good!). My heart just felt so heavy from the last few weeks. It's been go-go-go, non-stop with school and homework and work and youth group and home group and meetings and power point and dates with people and errands to run and people to pick up.......

I have been so weary. Last night we had an incredible home group, but I came home with a terrible migraine and I had had no dinner. Plus, this week my foot has acted up. There is a nerve or muscle that is not happy with me. It hurts when I walk and it swells up at night :-/

So I was spending time with Jesus and I just started crying. But, because He's just so amazing, He told me to go back and rehearse His faithfulness. Specifically, He told me to reread some journals from this time last year, which was another night season requiring a lot of trust in Papa. I wanted to share a little bit with you...

"I've never quit loving you and never will. Expect love, love, and more love." - Jeremiah 31:3

"Your greatest glory is my highest joy." - Katrina Hope

I had an incredible revelation about the Lord's beauty.

The Lord took me through a time of testing.

"I still believe there's nothing more beautiful than the love you have for me..." - United Pursuit

"Close your eyes this time

Trust is all we have tonight

But trust will be forever

Safe your dreams will be

Trust will be your light tonight

So close your eyes this time..."

- Future of Forestry

"Samara, there is good in every situation. God is sending good your way. You need to find the good..." - Mom

"From the first shock of cold air in the delivery room to the last gasp of air on our death beds, we crave love. We instinctively yearn for it, gravitate toward it and feel like starving people if we're deprived of it." - Alan Wright, Shame Off You

...those are just a few quotes and lyrics I ran across. They refresh me.

Well, I'm off to my sister's to hang out with her and the little man. We're going to paint our fingernails =)

Tonight is Charlli-Samara time and we're watching Pride and Prejudice... can't wait.

Love you all, have a blessed and restful weekend.

Celebrating my 2 year anniversary on blogger!

I've posted at least once a month for the last two years. That's consistent, right? Well, about as consistent as my busy life will allow.

Thanks to all my followers. I really appreciate you and your comments.

Goodnight!

I just checked my email and it made me really happy...

3 new messages in my inbox:

1. Braden emailing me back about a friend we're both praying for

2. Receipt from iTunes for a new worship song

3. Another friend from school setting up a date to pray about how we can overflow and impact our campus

I officially heart overflow!

Ah... productive day off.

I didn't start my day until 9:30, which is highly unusual for me. I got up, took a shower, got ready, and then I got to have a nice long time with the Lord. I love those days. Today I had the joy of finishing a journal and starting a new one. Every time I finish a journal, I go back and leaf through it, looking for highlights and reading important entries. Then I write a sort of "farewell" on the back page that tries to sum up some of what that particular journal was about. This journal's focus: desperation! It was written everywhere, "Jesus... I NEED YOU!" I almost had to laugh at myself at how worried I had let myself become. I wanted to go back and tell myself, "Ummm... can you remember a time when He has not come through?" There were some really beautiful passages too. He had shared with me parts of my identity, and rereading those today was therapeutic. Probably the highlight of my day.

After getting on tumblr and looking at some of the gowns from the golden globes last night (which, by and large, I was really disappointed with...), I made a really long to do list. It wasn't really just for today, more for the whole week. But I got quite a bit crossed off, which feels so good!

I had switched with a co-worker who was going to cover me on saturday if I worked today, so I got ready and headed off to Honda. As soon as I walked in, I saw my co-worker--the one I had switched with. Turns out there had been a miscommunication and she decided to work both days. So I headed back home, quickly scheming up some new plans (really, one of my favorite things to do... I am such a schemer ;).

Once I got home, I did a few more little tasks. I also took a definitive step: I applied to be a Freshman Interest Group (FIG) leader. We'll see how that goes. It's so exciting to think of opportunities like that. I mean, it's fun to think of my way of life changing. This would give me a chance to be a teacher, rather than just a student, and that's really exciting.

Oh! I also got news that one of my best friends is now planning on studying abroad in London in July--which is the same time I'm planning on being in England, if not in London itself. So, now I'm scheming about a weekend with her in London. Hah! How fun is that?

Then my sister and I grabbed some books and headed off for a study sesh at starbucks :) So peaceful. I feel like I get so much more done when I'm not at home. I have just fallen in love with going to starbucks or the Kirkland library (such a favorite!) to get some quality studying done.

Anyways, now all I have left to do is read some more and then I'm heading to bed early.

Quite a splendid day.

Good thing I got some quality friend time in at the prayer meetings, this last weekend, and today at school because I just realized that I have 2 weeks to read 3 books and do a book review = me locked away reading for the next 2 weeks!

Oh, plus I have a phonetics midterm the next day, which should be a breeze.

As hard as it is, I really am LOVING school. The three books I'm reading: Caleb Williams by William Godwin and then 2 literary criticisms of the novel: The Godwinian Novel and, the one I'm most excited for, Romantics, Rebels, and Reactionaries.

"It's gonna be great.

It's gonna be wild.

It's gonna be full of me..." =)

Miss Ida Marie Baker... I can't wait to meet you!

We're going to have really fun dates!

I'm going to take you on shopping trips and to get your nails done.

I'll buy you hot chocolate and take you to the park.

You can ask for underdogs and piggy-back rides.

I'll read lots of books to you and make sure

the library is a happy place with lots of fond memories.

I'll take you to fun movies in the summer

and to the Nutcracker at Christmas

Feel free to always show me your twirly dresses.

We'll cuddle a lot--when you're teeny-tiny and when you're older.

You can create lots of artwork for my room.

I'll let you walk in my heels and dresses so you can feel older.

You can help fix my dress right before

you walk down the aisle as my flower girl.

May can't come fast enough...

But until then, just know that I love you tons and tons!

Auntie Samara

sunday night...

Sitting in my bed. Happy to be full.

Reading (and cherishing) old blog posts, especially from this time last year.

My "Capri Blue Volcano" candle is spreading joy throughout my room.

Listening to the Will Reagan/Laura Hackett version of "How He Loves."

Thinking about the new year and all that is to come.

Checking up on what I missed on tumblr and fb.

Avoiding my homework :-/

Saying another goodbye. No funsies.

So excited for a breakfast date with a friend tomorrow!

Praying for more compassion and for open eyes.

Content that I'm single. Expecting so many good things =)

Praying about the future. Asking for a dream.

Eager to read Radical (gets here on Tuesday).

So glad for a new week full of incredible possibilities...

Classes are in full swing and I already feel busy...

But in the midst of all the craziness, Jesus has been so faithful to remind me that He is with me, in it all. The first day of class afforded crystal clear views of the Olympics, Cascades, and my beloved Rainier. Even the first day of fasting was alright. His presence is just enveloping. Today, despite the clouds and the grey, the bald eagle (I've decided to name him Reginald :) had perched himself on the fountain on the westside of 520.

These little things are just reminders of His promises...

Not only that, but today, as I was waiting outside my linguistics classroom, one of my best friends showed up. We had both signed up for this class and were afraid it was going to be really boring. But seeing one another was so uplifting. Helen and I have taken 3 English classes before and I'm looking forward to being with her again.

All that to say, His faithfulness has been so obvious and His goodness is just overwhelming at times!

I think I had forgotten just how much I love Lord of the Rings--if that is even possible, as if forgetting that you love an old and dear friend is possible...

Today as I was re-reading, er--skimming--I came across so many lines and passages, both old favorites and new ones, so rich that I could hardly go on. Several pages of my journal are filled with quotes and even more are underlined in my book. (I apologize to anyone who see that as defacing--but I can hardly read a book without underlining it!)

But then I came across a passage that echoed my response to the Lord more than anything else. Sam had followed Frodo out of obedience, but one of his biggest motivations was to see the Elves. Early on in the story (a part not in the films), they meet an Elf. Afterwards, Frodo asks Sam if he still wants to continue and Sam responds:

Yes, sir. I don't know how to say it, but after last night I feel different. I seem to see ahead in a kind of way. I know we are going to take a very long road, into darkness; but I know I can't turn back. It isn't to see Elves now, nor dragons, nor mountains, that I want--I don't rightly know what I want: but I have something to do before the end, and it lies ahead, not in the Shire. I must see it through...

Ah! This is so close to my heart's cry. It was like, "Lord, I know the way ahead is very long, and it won't be easy, it may even be dark. But I know that's where you called me. I know you're calling me to be a Pioneer. I used to be afraid of that, but I'm not anymore. I'm not going to school for me anymore. It's not because of the beautiful cherry trees or stunning Rainier or to read good books and hear fun facts--I'm going for you! My destiny does not lie in the familiar and comfortable of home; it is only to be found in the wild unknown of the trail. But I'm going to seek that destiny. I will follow you there..."

I hope this speaks to you in someway too. He put a Pioneer's heart in each of us, and I pray you feel His stirring in this New Year.

Tomorrow is...

• The first day of a new quarter
• My first day in grad seminar
• The first day of prayer and fasting :)
• The beginning of my 8th of 12 quarters
• The first time I'll have a class that's not on the main part of campus :-/
• The beginning of new friendships
• Supposed to be sunny and cold
• The next part of a glorious adventure!

Well, if nothing else I have my convictions, right?

I won't watch The Notebook till I'm married because it would just make miserable now.

I won't watch (500) Days of Summer because I would like it too much and make excuses for the bad things.

I won't buy my favorite love songs because they would take my mind too far into the future.

Sometimes, these things make me sad. I feel alone. But its ok.

It's more important to stay consecrated.

I just needed to remind my heart again...

Yes I did stay in my pjs all. day. long.

So, I finished Jane Eyre today. It is such a sad yet beautiful story!

At one point, faced with a heart-wrenching decision to break her principles for the man she loves, she responds:

“I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself. I will keep the law given by God; sanctioned by man. I will hold to the principles received by me when I was sane and not mad-as I am now. Laws and principles are not for the times when there is no temptation: they are for such moments as this, when body and soul rise in mutiny against their rigour; stringent are they; inviolate they shall be. If at my individual convenience I might break them, what would be their worth? They have a worth-so I have always believed; and if I cannot believe it now, it is because I am insane-quite insane: with my veins running fire, and my heart beating faster than I can count its throbs. Preconceived opinions, foregone determinations, are all I have at this hour to stand by: there I plant my foot.”

Ah so beautiful! I read this particular part last night at 1 AM and just broke down sobbing. I want to be like that! To choose against my emotions and pursue righteousness. It just moved me so deeply.

The book is wonderful. I was told everything from, "That is the saddest book--especially the ending" to "That ending is the most redemptive ending ever." I understand both positions now. The book is tragic, yet lovely.

Now I get to really look forward to the new adaptation coming out in March. It's going to be by Focus Features (Pride and Prejudice 2005) and the BBC :) Plus, Jane Eyre is going to be played by Mia Wasikowska. Most notably, she played Alice in Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland, but I first saw her in Defiance where she played opposite of Jamie Bell--who happens to be playing one of the characters in the new Jane Eyre. Needless to say, it should be pretty good. There is so much inner struggle and rich language in the writing that I don't think the novel really lends itself to film, but I will enjoy seeing what the imagery might have been like.

Oh! And reading this book solidifies the fact that I'm going to name one of my daughters "Jane" - first or middle name, I don't care. But between Jane Austen and Jane Eyre one of them has to be a "Jane." I was actually looking for similarities between the Austen novels and this one and there are some profound similarities to Mansfield Park which is almost my favorite of Jane Austen's. I told my mom though (while I was in the middle of the book), "This is so frustrating because I have no idea how it is going to turn out. If it were a Jane Austen novel, I would know exactly how it was going to end."

"And how would it end?" She asked.

"Everything would work out and she would marry the man she was in love with!" hahaha :)

And later on was funny too. I was watching Beauty and the Beast with my mom and sister when it suddenly struck me, "This is a typical Gothic Romance! Yikes! That's two in one day. Oh dear, that'll do my heart a lot of good..." Really, though, it isn't good for me. So tomorrow we're either reading non-fiction or a little bit of Fellowship of the Ring (for the book club).

Anyway... I hope you are having a splendid evening and stealing some extra time with family during the holidays :)

Sweet dreams!

Happy Birthday to Jane Austen! I will post more in memorium of her later, but just had to give a shout out before I went to bed. But, I did want to share a funny story. My Aunt was with us for Thanksgiving and she is a fellow English Major and Janite. I was telling her how I've realized I'm going to need to incorporate "Jane" into one of my girls' names--either first or middle. Then my Aunt goes, "Well, you could have a girl named Jane and a boy named Austen?" Hahahaha... tempting ;)

Well, Jane Dear, Happy 235th =)

Happy birthday also to my dear friend Elsa. You are such an inspiration.

And to my new little friend, one of the cutest little girls in the world, Miss Eden McCuen.

Happy Birthdays to all!

"If you leave I'll still be close to you
When all your fears rain down
I'll take you back a thousand times again
I'll take you as my own
I would sing you songs of innocence
'Til the light of morning comes
'Til the rays of gold and honey
Cover you
In the sweetness of the dawn
But you're always on the run

Slow your breath down
Just take it slow
Find your heart now, oh
You can trust in love again
Slow your breath down, just take it slow
Find your smile now, oh
You can trust in love again

You're not alone
You're now a part of me
You feel the cure
I'll find the toil it brought you..."

-"Slow Your Breath Down" by Future of Forestry

I have owned this song for almost a year.

I've played it several times.

But last friday at the Future of Forestry Advent Concert

(one of the highlights of the year, I'm making it an annual tradition),

last friday was the first time I really heard this song.

Such powerful lyrics, and seeing it live brought me to tears.

Read those words again and let them minister to you.

Enjoy:

Check out those incredible eyes!!!

This is a bronze statue from ca. 350 BC entitled

the "Antikythera Youth" (which is just the place he was found :)

Actually, the truly amazing story behind this statue is that

it was found in a shipwreck.

So between 350 BC and sometime in the last few hundred years

the Mediterranean had been preserving this statue.

And yet, those incredible, in-laid eyes remain.

Maybe I'm a bit strange, but I think that is remarkable!

Well, Greek Art has been really fun this quarter.

I'm studying lots and lots and lots of slides for my final.

Oh! And I should probably tell you my exciting news.

It is official.

Winter Quarter, I will be taking a graduate seminar.

That means I'll be in class with people working

on their Master's degrees. Yikes!

I am soooooooo excited for this opportunity,

but, oh my word!, it's going to be intense.

So, if you think about it, pray for me.

Well, I need to get back to my studies.

Have a blessed day everyone,

and try to stay dry :)

ok... funniest question of the day:

Steve, one of the older, really nice salesman at work today asked me, "Is your scarf hiding a hickey?"

Hahahaha! Very funny, Steve =)

*Sigh... this has been a very long and very stretching week.

But I can breathe easy for a few hours :)

So, thoughts on this week:

- I may be dropping my communication major and focusing all on English. There's an opportunity that I could take a graduate seminar next quarter. This would be an enormous privilege but would also be very challenging. I can only take it though if I am not pursuing com. I need to know by monday :-/ I'm leaning towards dropping com. It would open up a lot of opportunities. If I dropped com I would be able to apply for Honors English, take more Lit classes (including a grad seminar), take a few more electives, and I could even apply teach a Freshman Interest Group (FIG). It would be pretty incredible. I just need to hear a definitive from the Lord and from my parents.

- I took my first step this week in turning Inception into a topic scholarly study. We had to write a media critique for my com class. In nearly all my classes I've been seeing "Inception links." (If you flip through my copy of Heart of Darkness you will find multiple notes referencing Inception--there are SO many connections between that book and that movie). After bringing the film up a couple of times in my literature class (it DID apply), my professor made a brilliant point: "Inception is your generation's Matrix." It's very, very true. In my dreams of being a professor, I would make my students watch the film and use it as a critical theory. (PS - so excited for it to come out on tuesday, but i have to wait to watch it till my finals are over):

- Because I had to read such a horrible book last weekend for my lit class, I decided to buy some new worship music to play in the background. This was fun, but challenging because 3 of my favorites all came out with albums this month ("Joy" by forerunner music, "Live at the Banks House" by Will Reagan and the United Pursuit Band, and "Come Away" by Jesus Culture--which the title track of is a beautiful cover of two UPB songs :). Well, I bought a couple of songs from each album. But I had to inform you that my favorite, and the one I've had on repeat most of this week, is "One Thing Remains" by Chris Quilala of off "Come Away." Such a good one. [I just have to insert something here that some of you may be helpful... so, more and more songs on iTunes seem to be "album only." Well, I found a way around them. Amazon MP3 sells them as individual songs... sometimes they're 1.99 instead of .99, but if you're like me and not likely to buy the entire album, it's a steal... just an fyi :]

- Ok... random quote I've had in my head today:

"One minute your saving the whole galaxy! And the next minute you find yourself suckin' down darjeeling ... with Marie Antoinette and her little sister."

hahahahaha... :)

Well, the next 12 days are going to be intense. I have a take home final next weekend, an in class that monday, and another one that wednesday. But I also have - sunday the 5th: CCK Christmas Party. monday the 6th: Piano Recital. friday the 10th: Future of Forestry Christmas Worship Concert (I've been waiting all year to go back to this!!!). saturday the 11th: Charlli's concert choir. tuesday the 14th: Beks gets home!!!!!! =)

All that to say, I'm going to be really busy. No movies or TV for me. I'm already off of FB and Tumblr :(

But it'll be ok. On the 15th, I'll be a free woman :)

Cheers!

Is there even a word for someone who is the positive to the negative terms "racist" or "sexist"? I mean, seriously. Yes, there are words like "tolerant" and "aware," but they lack power and specificity. People are so quick to dash about and accuse everyone of being racist or sexist. "There's not enough representation of x, y, and z on television." "This add so belittles women." And on and on...

But have any of these people--so quick to judge everyone else's ethics--in all their pondering and creating new ways to condemn people, have they ever settled on a term of what they're trying to achieve?

And if "feminism" and "multiculturalism" are what they're trying to achieve, then they've got it all wrong. Hating men on the one side and losing national identity on the other won't give them what they want. But they are so quick to focus on the negative, to look for evil that I don't think they even know what they're aiming at.

I'm sorry... that was a bit of a rant. I'm writing a paper write now when the thought struck me, "How do I define something that has overcome racism and sexism? I CAN'T!" hahaha... getting back to my paper now :)