Guys! Guys!  Today I got to present my paper on The Lizzie Bennet Diaries and it went reeeally well!  My professor said the paper it was based on was "compelling" and I got to have discussion about the form of new media adaptations--"So...the characters can tweet at you?"--and it was amazing!  Also, I had been planning to expand this project into my MA Thesis (a 60 page, 3-chapter document due April 2016) and today my professor told me, "Yah, I think you really should."  I just had to note this small victory.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Dear Samara from one year ago,

Keep. going!  Your crazy idea is just crazy enough to be "compelling"!  I know it seems--especially in the coming weeks--that grad school is unattainable and that you'll never be allowed back in that world.  I know that you're going to go to bed exhausted, bleary-eyed and emotional far too many times.  I know that the future seems very dark--that you'll be waiting eternally and that what you've hoped for will never happen.  But have faith and take courage, because your hard work will open doors and your faith will be answered.

I know that even now you are considering giving up on OSU--it's the most expensive choice and has the earliest application date.  But thank you for not giving up on it, because God knew this interdisciplinary school was exactly where you needed to be.  I know that you are going to hear voices--both in your head and from other people--that this idea isn't "academic enough" and that you just don't have it together.  But by immense grace and running hard after a dream, somehow it does come together.  So don't give up.

As for me, I have to get back to this other crazy paper on Heart of Darkness, Impressionism, and the Lost World (I'm on page 13 of 20 - woohoo!).  But keep your chin up, "When the sun shines, it'll shine out the clearer." :)

Cheers,
Samara Surface
Graduate Teaching Associate
MA Candidate - Literature and Culture
School of Writing, Literature, and Film
Oregon State University

Metamorphosis, Pt. 4

Being
moved by a Dylan Thomas quote

while the Zimmerman who borrowed
both his inspiration and his name
croons overhead in this cafe
fueled by community rather than corporation.

A reminder that "You can find
beautiful instruments anywhere in the world."

Yes, beautiful conversations with beautiful friends
that embolden my resolve
to embrace mystery and revel in complexity.
Translating Baudelaire direct,
marveling at de Tocqueville,

Dancing away the despair.
Daring to hold both the light and the dark
within my weary soul.
Turn the corner and find beauty again.

On despair

Lately I've been thinking on despair. Delightful, I know. But it keeps coming up.

Call it seasonal vitamin-D deficiency. Blame it on other circumstances in my life. Settle it as the result of too much melancholy viewing or reading. But, whatever the case, despair has been knocking on my door. 

I'm becoming convinced that despair is the greatest evil. Not the greatest sin - but the end-result & effect of sin. 

Despair is so much more than sadness. I've been thinking on the pinpoint moments in some of my favorite stories when despair enters the picture. 

It's when Peeta doesn't love Katniss. 
It's when Ron leaves Harry. 
Or John fails to find Sherlock's pulse. 
Rose gets separated from the Doctor. 
Frodo Baggins forgets the taste of strawberries. 

Failure. Rejection. Goodbyes. These are always the stories' worst moments. 

But the road to resurrection runs through the grave. 

The greatest stories - both in life & in fiction - force the protagonist to walk a mile or more with despair. I've run up against it a few times. We all have in different ways. 

But there are two conclusions I've come to regarding Despair. 

The first is my prayer in the midst of my despair or any loved one's is that I'd be faithful. A faithful friend. A faithful person. "Frodo wouldn't have got very far without Sam." In fact, according to Tolkien, Sam was the hero of Lord of the Rings… and I can see why. The greatest courage isn't in brandishing glittering swords, but in traversing pain our souls were never designed for. "For the only courage worth calling courage must necessarily mean that the soul passes a breaking point--and does not break."  - GK Chesterton.

The other conclusion is one I came to after talking with my dentist, truly great fellow. The thing is, if despair is the greatest evil, joy must be the greatest good. And I'm not speaking of anything akin to humanist happiness. Many classic philosophers got close to this truth, that joy was the aim, but they all lacked something. Until Christ, "for the joy set before Him, endured the cross," they had no response to despair, and no true reason for joy. But we have. 

My friend, Esther, shared with me today, "Hope is the ability to look the past & present squarely in the face and say, 'I know that my future will make beautiful and light these harsh and dark moments.'" That's what I'm holding onto. 

I look to the stories again and again, not for happy endings, but for hopeful ones. They serve to remind that the truest stories don't end in despair. "When the sun shines, it'll shine out the clearer." Until then, "never cruel or cowardly; never give up, never give in." No, now is the time to take another step through the valley, trusting the mountain is still there. All we can do in the meantime is to hold onto the promises, to wait and to hope.