Stories

teach us how to love

and swallow sadness,

find light in darkness,

 turn away from despair.

Crafting and grafting us

into a plot much bigger,

much smaller

than our own.

They remake us

like their protagonists,

from coward to courageous.

Each story that passes

through our hands,

through our minds,

is a gift

wrapped up inside words.

 "Hello, old friend

and here we are,

you and me

on the last page."

Where they end

our hearts break or smile,

crying from tragedy or delight.

But then, our next page.

While their story ends,

our journey is only mid-way,

another chapter,

a new gift.

Top:  Nurse, Young Man, Kiss-a-gram

Below:  Old Man, Journalist, Hero

"We are all stories in the end..."
- The Doctor

"The end of a matter is better than it's beginning."

- Ecclesiastes 7.8

“If seeds in the black earth can turn into such beautiful roses, what might not the heart of man become in its long journey toward the stars?"

- GK Chesterton

"It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer."
- Samwise Gamgee

  

“Stories make us more alive, more human, more courageous, more loving.”  

- Madeleine L'Engle

"You were my new dream."

- Flynn Rider

"There is neither happiness nor misery in the world; there is only the comparison of one state with another, nothing more. He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness. We must have felt what it is to die...that we may appreciate the enjoyments of living."

- The Count

[HitRECord]

"Though truth is heavier than fiction,

Gravity lifts as the projectionist rolls tape.
And it makes us brave again"

- Sleeping at Last

On despair

Lately I've been thinking on despair. Delightful, I know. But it keeps coming up.

Call it seasonal vitamin-D deficiency. Blame it on other circumstances in my life. Settle it as the result of too much melancholy viewing or reading. But, whatever the case, despair has been knocking on my door. 

I'm becoming convinced that despair is the greatest evil. Not the greatest sin - but the end-result & effect of sin. 

Despair is so much more than sadness. I've been thinking on the pinpoint moments in some of my favorite stories when despair enters the picture. 

It's when Peeta doesn't love Katniss. 
It's when Ron leaves Harry. 
Or John fails to find Sherlock's pulse. 
Rose gets separated from the Doctor. 
Frodo Baggins forgets the taste of strawberries. 

Failure. Rejection. Goodbyes. These are always the stories' worst moments. 

But the road to resurrection runs through the grave. 

The greatest stories - both in life & in fiction - force the protagonist to walk a mile or more with despair. I've run up against it a few times. We all have in different ways. 

But there are two conclusions I've come to regarding Despair. 

The first is my prayer in the midst of my despair or any loved one's is that I'd be faithful. A faithful friend. A faithful person. "Frodo wouldn't have got very far without Sam." In fact, according to Tolkien, Sam was the hero of Lord of the Rings… and I can see why. The greatest courage isn't in brandishing glittering swords, but in traversing pain our souls were never designed for. "For the only courage worth calling courage must necessarily mean that the soul passes a breaking point--and does not break."  - GK Chesterton.

The other conclusion is one I came to after talking with my dentist, truly great fellow. The thing is, if despair is the greatest evil, joy must be the greatest good. And I'm not speaking of anything akin to humanist happiness. Many classic philosophers got close to this truth, that joy was the aim, but they all lacked something. Until Christ, "for the joy set before Him, endured the cross," they had no response to despair, and no true reason for joy. But we have. 

My friend, Esther, shared with me today, "Hope is the ability to look the past & present squarely in the face and say, 'I know that my future will make beautiful and light these harsh and dark moments.'" That's what I'm holding onto. 

I look to the stories again and again, not for happy endings, but for hopeful ones. They serve to remind that the truest stories don't end in despair. "When the sun shines, it'll shine out the clearer." Until then, "never cruel or cowardly; never give up, never give in." No, now is the time to take another step through the valley, trusting the mountain is still there. All we can do in the meantime is to hold onto the promises, to wait and to hope. 

Questions

Ours is NOT a blind faith. 

"The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith is the firm foundation under everything which makes life worth living.  It's our handle on what we can't see."

Or according to the Amplified, faith is "the assurance (the confirmation, the title deed) of the things we hope for, being the proof of things we do not see, and the conviction of their reality."

So faith is not the absence of intellectual engagement.  Rather it is a stake in the invisible.  The soul's confirmation of an unfulfilled promise.

Christ didn't require that people shut off their minds, only that they quiet them and be open-minded enough to think in new ways.  To consider "re-birth."  To try "casting their nets" on the opposite side of the boat. 

In literature, there is a profound phenomena called "the suspension of disbelief."  A homo sapien, a being defined by rationality & creativity, can choose to abandon what they know of reality to enter and enjoy a story with fantastical components.  In this way, children fly to Neverland on fairy dust and a happy thought.  In this way, superheroes fight off aliens, toys come to life, and halflings save a distant world.  We are able to enjoy and even engage rationally with these narratives when we hush the voice that says, "That could never happen."

Faith acts in the same way.  But rather than reading, listening, or watching a story unfold, rather than merely "identifying" with a character, Christ invites us, dares us to enter the narrative for ourselves.  To suspend our disbelief and walk with a conviction of the reality that we hope for.  Like the best novelists, He has crafted a narrative we can trust - but not one devoid of questions.  There may come a day when we think "I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened." There are, like in so many of our favorite stories, times when we wonder or question or even doubt.

And yet this is faith to.

We choose to believe "It isn't what it is" - that there is a deeper magic.  But we also choose to engage with the narrative and the Narrator deeply enough to ask the haunting questions.  For in seeking the answer, in wrestling with the Angel, in crying out with anguish, like David before us - in these moments faith is made real.  We draw nearer to Father.  We discover our real name.  We exchange the "title deed" for the Promised Land. 

Reading novels, Reading authors

Confession.  I have a lot of drafts written I've been meaning to publish... like since last Fall.  Here is one.  Hope you enjoy:

* * * * * * * * *

As I mentioned, I recently finished a small biography about Tolkien (now hoping to read this one and this one on the Inklings), and it was rather enlightening.  I should just say here, I know a lot of literary critics and professors seriously warn against reading through the authors life or getting into authorial intent--but, too bad, because that's some of what I'm going to get into.

Because, I love that Tolkien seemed to write himself into the tales of Middle Earth.  This biography showed me so many more parallels than I had noticed before--both funny coincidences and striking notes.  In someways, Tolkien is like his reluctant hero Frodo.  Like Frodo, he was an orphan.  I have to imagine that growing up in a boarding house was not unlike Frodo's noisy childhood in Brandybuck Hall.  Like the tiny adventurers from the Shire, Tolkien was in a very tight-knit group of four called the TCBS--of which only one other friend survived WWI.  And surviving WWI seems in Tolkiens life and writings "a wound that cannot heal."  Then of course there are lighter similarities such as Tolkien having angered a farmer as a child by stealing mushrooms.  Or the fact that "Ronald" was bitten by a tarantula at 3 years old [He claims to hardly remember the incident and that it was no influence in his creating of Shelob & Co. - but I believe in the subconscious, so yah].

Then at the same time, Tolkien admittedly identified himself as the mortal marrying wooing a woman who could only have him by making intense sacrifices.  And Edith Tolkien made sacrifices.  But the way he honored those in the Beren/Luthien, Aragorn/Arwen set up is simply beautiful.

[Luthien + Beren]

I greatly appreciate that Tolkien got vulnerable in his writing.  It's something a rate highly in an author.  And popular or no, I like to read into authors lives.

"Well, I'm back."

Hello!  Happy New Year, again.  I feel like I've been away for a while.  Between Christmas festivities and having my dear friend Kristina visiting [post forthcoming],  I've only had time for the brief word / picture, but nothing very substantial.  Hoping that changes now that things return to their quieter routine :)

I wanted to share the results from books read last year.  After a personal best at 53 books in 2011, I thought I'd challenge myself with 60 for 2012 - ha!  Well, 2011 was very much an "on" year for reading.  My schedule was rather conducive to it, I took some great courses, breezed through 2 fantasy/sci-fi series (The Auralia Thread and The Hunger Games), was introduced to what good contemporary fiction looks like (thank you History of Love), and came across a host of other good books... mostly shorter books. 

2012 turned out entirely different.  I began the year with Clarissa.  That alone should count for something.  But I also spent time with modernist poetry.  Reading and attempting to understand the Wasteland doesn't feel like reading a whole book - but it sure takes effort, more effort for me in a lot of ways. 
But then I graduated.  And it wasn't like "Whew! I've graduated, I want a break from the books" - far from it.  Rather it was, "I've finally graduated and can get around to all of the coffee dates I've been putting off."  Throw graduation parties, catching up on sleep, and job applications on top of that and it didn't exactly translate into reading as much as I'd like.  But then in July I re-entered Middle Earth... now I'm just 30 pages from sailing away from it  [too cheesy? meh].  Could I have read the "Concerning Hobbits Tetralogy" faster?  Sure... but spending the last 6 months roaming from the Misty Mountains to Mordor has washed me.  It's clarified the way I see life.  It's made me laugh and cry countless times.  It's provided a great connection with my boss :)  It's made me feel the total nerd that I am--complete with hobbit ears. 
It's made me realize that I am a hobbit and that this life is an unexpected adventure.  As of 3 weeks ago I had finished "Mount Doom" and, yes, I've been busy, but part of me wasn't ready for it to end.  I know that tears await me at the Grey Havens.

But I feel ready now to bid the Shire goodbye, and tonight I will.  Though statistically it means I've read only 8 novels since graduating (32 total for 2012), it's been a gift.

Now I have the books of 2013 calling my name.  There's a whole stack already by my bed that I can't wait to dig into.  It's a "farewell" to Tolkien, but it's a "hello" to Green, Kraus, Niffenneger, and countless others.

2013 - I can't wait to crack your cover!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Updated so you can see the full list:

1	The Rainbow
2	Othello
3	Macbeth
4	Katherine Mansfield's Short Stories
5	Clarissa
6	King Lear
7	To the Lighthouse
8	Measure for Measure
9	Waterland
10	The Winter's Tale
11	History of Tom Jones
12	Atonement
13	The Tempest
14	Man Who was Thursday
15	A Severe Mercy
16	Sign of Four
17	Poems of TS Eliot
18	Metamorphosis
19	Trials of Socrates
20	Six Characters in Search of an Author
21	Protagoras
22	Gorgias
23	Mrs. Dalloway
24	Bald Soprano
25	Endgame
26	Adventures of Sherlock Holmes
27	The Archivist
28	Woman in White
29	The Hobbit*
30	JRR Tokien - Biography
31	Fellowship of the Ring*
32	Two Towers*

Key: 
*re-read
___ read for school

Merry Christmas!

"Beautiful she is, sir! Lovely! Sometimes like a great tree in flower, sometimes like a white daffadowndilly, small and slender like. Hard as di'monds, soft as moonlight. Warm as sunlight, cold as frost in the stars. Proud and far-off as a snow-mountain, and as merry as any lass I ever saw with daisies in her hair in springtime..."

- Samwise, describing Galadriel to Faramir

The Two Towers

Journeys through Middle Earth {Pt. 1}

So excited to begin what I hope will be a revelatory series--both to write and to read.  Here's my intro, originally written 9.11.12.

*   *   *

So this morning I finished a biography on Tolkien (hopefully just my first), and I am amazed.

I've been meaning to mention this for a while, but there seemed so much to say... so I think this may turn into a series of sorts.

But let me back up and explain a little...

Earlier this summer, I decided re-reading The Hobbit in light of the [HIGHLY ANTICIPATED!!!] trilogy that starts this Christmas (only 93 days =).  I had read it as a child, gosh, probably around age 9 or 10?  So I remembered very little - pretty much 13 dwarves, Bilbo Baggins, Gollum, riddles, ring, dragon.  It proved a very rich re-reading experience because I felt surprised by everything after he found the ring.  There is SO much more I want to say about the hobbit... but like I said, another post =)

My friends and I have decided that I have obsessive disorder--not obsessive "compulsive" disorder--just obsessive.  As my sister reminded me this weekend, I'm an "all on/all off" kind of gal... and if I'm "all off" its usually due to decided detestation or total ignorance.  And so after finishing The Hobbit (actually reading the last chapters aloud to my brother on our last road-trip... *sniff), I said, "Well, that was lovely.  But no need to throw myself (again) into Tolkien fever."  I read the trilogy at about 11 (before seeing the films) and had attempted re-reading since then, only to fade out in Book III of the Two Towers. I was pretty set, I have other things to read (and to do) and 1,500 pages of Middle-Earth just might distract from that, so The Hobbit was enough.  Ha. Ha.

So, imagine my surprise when The Fellowship of the Ring showed up in my bag the next day on my bus ride!  Now, I'm nearly done with Fellowship (more posts to come), warming up to the idea of attempting The Silmarillion, reading (multiple?) biographies on Tolkien, dreaming of how wonderful it would be to know Elvish, borrowing my brother-in-law's atlas of Middle-Earth, listening to the soundtracks non-stop, and really wishing he has a single, great-grandson around somewhere.  And crying.  Lots of Tolkien = lots of crying.  Between his personal life, the heroicism of hobbits, and my own "journey"--there has been several tears shed on the bus.

Ok... I've decided this will have to be the introductory post.  Thoughts have been bubbling inside me too long and I hope to share many of them here.  But for now, I just needed to explain the plight and the joy of being a nerd.

She may kill me for posting this, but had to share at least part of this conversation with my very dear, lit-nerd friend...

Over a lunch-time text conversation, she and I were discussing Lord of the Rings, being lit-nerds, and people's eye-rolling at our hilarious sentiment:

me: Yesterday, I told my family that it would be wonderful to name a dog "Strider" - they just laughed at me =/ =)

lh: That is a perfect name! I still want to have two cats named Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson...

me: Gaaaah! I'd probably instantly fall for a man with a dog named Pilot =')

Oh goodness... I was tearing up with delight. Love that girl, and love those names!

Other literary pet-names??

Lois comes to spend the night... and LOTR legos happen =D

"I know; it's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. 
"It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo, the ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end, because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come, and when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer.
"Those were the stories that stayed with you, that meant something--even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something."

- the indeed Samwise Gamgee

I have so many friends in England right now, several more falling in love with Sherlock, and I get to celebrate the Queen's Diamond Jubilee with some British friends this weekend. It all makes me feel... connected. 


A woman I greatly appreciate told me something priceless after I got back from England last year. She said, "I've realized, some people are threads that make up a piece of fabric. They are the foundation to community. But some people are the threads that hold two different pieces of fabric together--and they feel the pull. They are woven into one community, then another, but without fully belonging to just one. It can be painful, but without those threads, we wouldn't have the interwoven, interconnected Body of Christ."
I've realized I'm one of those threads. I hope that doesn't sound arrogant--its more heavy than it is enjoyable. But I do feel the pull of a far off place... and I don't know when I'll be able to return. But like I said, receiving post-cards that have made the journey and talking with other "threads"--some who feel the pull much stronger than I do!--it helps. It sometimes feels like a workout for my heart's capacity, but it helps.


Even with feeling like an interwoven thread, I hold onto a promise that becomes more real, more pertinent everyday:

"My dear Sam, you cannot always be torn into two. You must be whole and one for many, many years. You have so much to enjoy and to be and to do."

I'm waiting for that wholeness. And I know its coming. But until then...

God save the Queen!

Happy Birthday!

120 years ago, today, this magnificent man was born... and I am ever so grateful he was.

One day, about 40 years after his birth, he would scribble across a blank page:

"In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit."

After that, we could only go there and back again...

Happy Birthday Mr. Tolkien!! 

I think I had forgotten just how much I love Lord of the Rings--if that is even possible, as if forgetting that you love an old and dear friend is possible...

Today as I was re-reading, er--skimming--I came across so many lines and passages, both old favorites and new ones, so rich that I could hardly go on. Several pages of my journal are filled with quotes and even more are underlined in my book. (I apologize to anyone who see that as defacing--but I can hardly read a book without underlining it!)

But then I came across a passage that echoed my response to the Lord more than anything else. Sam had followed Frodo out of obedience, but one of his biggest motivations was to see the Elves. Early on in the story (a part not in the films), they meet an Elf. Afterwards, Frodo asks Sam if he still wants to continue and Sam responds:

Yes, sir. I don't know how to say it, but after last night I feel different. I seem to see ahead in a kind of way. I know we are going to take a very long road, into darkness; but I know I can't turn back. It isn't to see Elves now, nor dragons, nor mountains, that I want--I don't rightly know what I want: but I have something to do before the end, and it lies ahead, not in the Shire. I must see it through...

Ah! This is so close to my heart's cry. It was like, "Lord, I know the way ahead is very long, and it won't be easy, it may even be dark. But I know that's where you called me. I know you're calling me to be a Pioneer. I used to be afraid of that, but I'm not anymore. I'm not going to school for me anymore. It's not because of the beautiful cherry trees or stunning Rainier or to read good books and hear fun facts--I'm going for you! My destiny does not lie in the familiar and comfortable of home; it is only to be found in the wild unknown of the trail. But I'm going to seek that destiny. I will follow you there..."

I hope this speaks to you in someway too. He put a Pioneer's heart in each of us, and I pray you feel His stirring in this New Year.

"All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost;

The old that is strong does not whither,

Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,

A light from the shadows shall spring;

Renewed shall be blade that was broken,

The crownless again shall be King."

- J. R. R. Tolkein

This has been on my heart lately. A line or two has been whispered to me while I'm walking from class to class or to a bus stop.

"Not all those who wander are lost..."

There is hope. There is hope even when there seems to be no hope.

Post-modernism says there is no hope. Toni Morrison (an author I've had to read) says there's no hope.

But there is hope...

"From the ashes a fire shall be woken,

A light from the shadows shall spring..."

Maybe it's just because it's late fall--and Tolkein was just meant for fall. I don't know.

But I do know that there is hope. I do know that the post-modernists got some of the questions right, but most of the answers wrong. I know that academia has de-throned Christ in every way. But I also know that "the crownless again shall be King."

The night may be dark, the light may be bleak. Post-modernists may be king of the hill, but God wins the day. They may say what they like and try and pervert all that is holy and good. They may drink deep draughts of bitterness and anger. They may even force me to listen to their complaints and their perversions for 205 pages... but there is still hope.

I think I'm saying this "aloud" to remind myself more than to inform anyone else. I also think this turned into something much more deep and melancholy than I intended, especially since I only intended to post those two stanzas and leave them be.

Alright, I'm going back to finish my response paper.

Wish me luck...

I hope you have a splendid evening. I plan to yet =)

Bribing someone to watch Lord of the Rings?!

How pathetic is that?

Oh well, it's for their benefit! So off I go...

quotes and lyrics

"Are we human because we gaze at the stars, or do we gaze at them because we are human?"

"You know when I said I knew little about love? That wasn't true. I know a lot about love. I've seen it, centuries and centuries of it, and it was the only thing that made watching your world bearable. All those wars. Pain, lies, hate... It made me want to turn away and never look down again. But when I see the way that mankind loves... You could search to the furthest reaches of the universe and never find anything more beautiful. So yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know that it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing, and... What I'm trying to say, Tristan is... I think I love you. Is this love, Tristan? I never imagined I'd know it for myself. My heart... It feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it's trying to escape because it doesn't belong to me any more. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I'd wish for nothing in exchange - no gifts. No goods. No demonstrations of devotion. Nothing but knowing you loved me too. Just your heart, in exchange for mine." -Yvaine

"If it doesn't break... if.. it.. doesn't break your heart it isn't love..." - switchfoot

"Allelujah, I'm caving in...

Allelujah, I'm in love again...

Allelujah, I'm a wretched man...

Allelujah, every breath is a second chance..." - switchfoot

"Your life is an occasion. Rise to it." - Mr. Magorium

"We must face tomorrow, whatever it may hold, with determination, joy and bravery" - Mr. Magorium

"Now we wait." - Mahoney

"No. We Breathe. We Pulse. We Regenerate. Our hearts beat. Our minds create. Our souls ingest. Thirty-seven seconds, well used, is a lifetime." - Mr. Magorium

"I can feel you all around me

Thickening the air I'm breathing

Holding on to what I'm feeling

Savoring this heart that's healing" - flyleaf

"You think this is just a magazine, hmm? This is not just a magazine. This is a shining beacon of hope for... oh, I don't know... let's say a young boy growing up in Rhode Island with six brothers pretending to go to soccer practice when he was really going to sewing class and reading Runway under the covers at night with a flashlight. You have no idea how many legends have walked these halls. And what's worse, you don't care. Because this place, where so many people would die to work you only deign to work."

"I've never seen a monument erected to a pessimist." - Paul Harvey

"A poem needs understanding through the senses… The point of diving in a lake is not immediately to swim to the shore, but to be in the lake—to… luxuriate in the sensation of water. You do not “work” the lake out. It is an experience beyond thought. Poetry soothes and emboldens the soul to accept mystery."

"This world is a great sculptor's shop. We are the statues and there is a rumor going around the shop that some of us are someday going to come to life..." - C. S. Lewis

"I will take the ring, though I do not know the way..." - Frodo Baggins

"He sits on His throne on high. He sees us all--and He knows what He is doing in the midst of each and every star in the heavens..." - Victor Hugo

"Women don't want to hear what men think. Women want to hear what they think in a deeper voice." - Bill Cosby

"Perhaps kissing is the best thing for crying, but it will not always stop it..." - George MacDonald

as it concerns hearts...

"My dear Sam, you cannot always be torn in two.

You will have to be one and whole for many years.

You have so much to enjoy and to be, and to do.

Your part in this story will go on." – Frodo Baggins

i've been pondering this lately...

Watch the end scene from Lord of the Rings: Return of the King. It's so beautiful.

"I will not say, 'Do not cry.' For not all tears are an evil."

This scene is so moving. I can touch that pain...